I have stayed at home now for a month. And this week I questioned it all over again. Is this really the right decision?
Financially, I think it makes sense. In a traditional work enviroment (for what I am currently qualified to do) I was not bringing home enough to justify it. The conflicting emotions of guilt, feeling left out, and guilt, were eating away at me. My insides were turning green with every sight of a mommy staying at home, or worse, somebody I knew enjoying just that. And really, my little girl princess dreams were all made with me staying home.
So when we moved to this new and natuarally beautiful place we came to the conclusion that is was a possibility IF I did something (untraditional) to supplement. Now here is where it gets tricky. I like routine and have a difficult time adjusting to major change. I also do not like to put myself out there for possible rejection if I know I may have to come face to face with the rejector at any given time. I enjoy being in front of groups of people, strange considering my last statment, somehow a group seems so less intimadating than the judgement of one eye to eye contact. I am here, again, sitting in a river of unknowing. I have options, they all require something of me I am unsure I am willing to give. I am also faced with GUILT!! That word, why is it so much a part of my vocabulary! It's like that little toe monster they use to sell foot cream. You know, the one that multiplies and laughs at your misery. He is so ugly. That word multiplies in my heart feeding on my misery. It seems as if he was created just for me, people I share him with have solid valid ways of getting rid of him. Yet I can't.
Anyway, at the end of this week I am left feeling unorganized and guilty (there are piles of unwashed laundry and some that needs put away, piles of papers and mail, and boxes still packed and sad thoughts that I wasn't able to stay home before my oldest went to kindergarten- wasn't I suppose to have TIME to take care of all this!). Shouldn't I be up at the crack of dawn fixing a nice big healthy breakfast for my husband and oldest before they go off into the world? Shouldn't....Shouldn't....Shouldn't....and what about my mind?......who are my "outsiders" to make me feel whole??? I suppose someday I will come to terms with my desicions and be secure with them, defend their honor. Until then, may my questioning never show on my face!!
I just remebered, it's Halloween!!! Oh, Happy Halloween!!!
Laying It Down
1 month ago