Announcing.....

Hey everyone!! Come check out my new place..Attempting Grace. Let me know what you think!!

Thanks,

Em

Spring Fever

Each year, about this time, my thumb starts to believe it's green. It goes through some sort of Spring Fever, trying to convince me that its not only capable, but willing to be a gardening genius. I draw up extensive plans for a ginormous garden filled with a rainbow of vegetables, just waiting to fill our kitchen with fresh goodness. My thumb tries desperately to involve my husband in its quest. Sometimes he is super sweet and goes along with my crazy thumb, just so its feelings won't be hurt. Other times, my thumb is able to convince his thumb that it is also green and needs to be in the garden.

Every year I give into my thumb, bringing in outside help in to create that perfect garden. And every year, I lose steam. My thumb decides it's tired, the work is much more time consuming and we become busier than originally thought and the garden slowing turns to an expensive and very nice dirt box.

This year, I am onto my thumb. It's been telling me how wonderful it can be to have a garden, how it won't be to hard to maintain, how much extra time I will have to devote to it, and how the boys are old enough this year to really get involved. I combat its enthuasiasm with cynisism. Remember those animals that have no fear of our deck, the raccoon, the skunk, and the armadillo?They would love nothing more than for us to make a buffet in our yard. Not to mention, the deer, snakes, and other things we don't always see.

We compromised this year. We have begun a tomato plant and have a strawberry plant waiting for the last frost. Maybe next year that pesky thumb will get it's way. Maybe....

Wishing for a mid day do-over

It's only 11:15am here, but I already need this day to end. Surely, tomorrow will be better. I woke up late, completely forgetting that today was St.Patrick's day. My oldest son, who I am sure has some form of OCD, didn't wear green. I frantically call my husband to warn him of the impending meltdown. Tyler is presented with the choice of keeping his current shirt (with no green) or receiving a different one at lunch. He begins to cry, he hates being faced with a choice (is this ever going to pass?). We are on one car, the other is being fixed and it won't be done today, and oh, it needs something else done as well. Dan is set to leave tonight and normally I wouldn't fret about not having a car, except Isaac has preschool and groceries need to be bought. I made Isaac take a nap (not without his own meltdown) and Nick is also down. I should be picking up toys, folding clothes, working on homework, and cleaning lunch dishes. But instead, I am escaping it all for a moment of peace in an unreal world. Sometimes I wish it was acceptable to have a mommy temper tantrum.

update- the afternoon is better and spirits are on the rise! Whew! Thank goodness for naps!

The Boring 54

Ok, first off, I am so honored that anyone would really want to know one thing about me, let alone a list of 54!! But I am not one to deny joy from someone, so here goes....

1. I love music, listening to it live is my favorite. We live in a small rural area where people get together in the summer to "pick" and it's awesome. 

2. Speaking of music, I play the flute. Or did. From 6th grade until I graduated from High School. Not only did I love it, but I was good. (Excuse the bragging for a moment) 

3. I like to play the Wii and get easily addicted to games like "World Of Goo"

4. I also love to sing, out loud, and no, I am not gifted in that area. Must have been absent the day God handed out the ability to carry a tune.

5. I was also absent the day He handed out balance. I can't walk in a straight line sober, with my eyes open, and a tape line on the floor to follow. 

6. I hate potty training but like not buying diapers.A daily conundrum around here. 

7. It's no surprise I love to read. My favorite are fiction novels that suck you in and make you a fly on the wall. I prefer them to have very little language and very limited sex scenes. Really, most of us know what's going to happen when you head into the bedroom after a few glasses of wine, no need to spell it out for me.

8. I say the word 'like' far to much.

9. I am often to lazy to use the creative things while typing, such as italics, line through and bold. But I consider myself a creative person. So does that make me creatively lazy?

10. My husband and I began dating when I was 15 (only a month before my 16, so we weren't allowed to be official until then).

11. I like writing boring, technical stuff, like proposals and explication papers. 

12. I also like writing papers or essays that are meant to sway someone a certain way. 

13. Therefore, I enjoy marketing and tend to analyze the effectiveness of commercials. 

14. They work, there are two cans of Chef Boyaredee sitting in my cabnient right now, as opposed to the off brand because one of my kids wanted "Chef's".

15. I married my husband ten years ago this June. 

16. I wish I was witty.

17. I wanted five children, but reality hit me after the third. 

18. I like watching movies, but have to be in the right mood and that doesn't ever seem to happen. 

19. Each one of my boys has some significance to their middle names. My father in law, my husband, and my dad, respectively. 

20. When I sit down at the computer I find it very difficult to walk away.

21. I like to cook, but am not great at following the directions so sometimes things don't turn out well. I also don't know many of the great secrets everyone else seems to know....maybe I missed that day too.

22. I think I have a great sense of humor. But nobody has ever confirmed that. 

23. I attend church with three of the funnest couples I think live around here.  And all of our kids get along super well!!

24. My favorite channels are TLC (addicted to the Duggars), HGTV, and the History Channel. 

25. I would love to someday be a missionary, but am unsure if I would be up to the sacrifice. 

26. I hate doing laundry. HATE IT.

27. I am not fond of the dishes for that matter. 

28. I am a full time student with hopes of graduating next summer. (you might have already known this one)

29. Often times I misspell words so badly the spell check doesn't know what I mean. 

30. I like to camp, but don't like going outside by myself at night.  Is that an oxymoron?

31. I want to be as happy as my grandma when I am her age. And travel as much. 

32. We tend to walk around our house singing.

33. I pick my battles. Socks are negotiable, underwear is not. 

34. I like that we have racoons, skunks, and armadillos (check the profile pic) come into our yard and onto our deck. 

35. I love watching the birds at the bird feeder. 

36. We make laughter a priority in our house. But really, how can you not laugh when you live with these three boys!

37. I don't understand why sales people do not speak to me when I enter a store. Did I forget to take off my invisibility cloak?

38. I love purses and shoes. 

39. I like fun bracelets, but am not a necklace person. 

40. In High School my biggest fear was what other people were thinking about me, now, I'm not so sure they were even thinking about me at all. 

41. When we retire, Hubby and I  would like to travel for a full year in a RV. 

42. I wish I had a best friend where I live now.

43. I like to paint. Not art, but wood figures or walls. 

44. When I was younger I wanted to be an Interior Designer. 

45. I am not good at organization. There are lots of piles around my house. Therefore I buy tons of baskets and containers to hold the piles so they will appear to be there for a reason.

46. I love reading out loud to my kids. 

47. I married a technology lover, and I am not one.

48. I love love love taking pictures. I am better at nature than people.

49. My four favorite people are all male. 

50. I love to have pedicures. 

51. For Valentine's Day one year, my husband entered us in a contest where the local newscasters would come to your house and do the news show live from your house and watch your kids while you went to dinner. We won. And a camera man stayed to film footage of the night for the next show. 

52. I don't watch a ton of tv, but I love the DVR for when my brain needs a break.

53. I like older shows like MASH and The Andy Griffith Show.  I am also a Wheel Watcher!!

54. I moved once in my life before I was married. I have moved 4 times since being married.

My 100th Post!!

It's my 100th post!!! 

I had the most witty, charming, and commentable post started for this special occasion, but I ran out of time (I haven't posted in almost a week trying to perfect this post).

I had thought of posting 100 things about me but when I sat down to do it, I only came up with 54. And they were not that interesting. 

So I will just say that I am so grateful to those that listen and give me their thoughts even when I am boring or make no sense. 

And here's to 100 more!!

Lent and Sunshine

The sun peaked at me through closed blinds this morning, shinning just enough to arouse me from my sleep. The sun hasn't shone here (for more than five minutes) in 6 days. My husband also went back to work today after being sick for three whole days. I don't remember the last time that man was sick for that long. It is also the first day the house has been somewhat clean (by that I mean, toys put away!) in two weeks. AND I am getting to sit quietly on the computer while the two little ones are eating breakfast. AND the Olympics are on. Ahhh, it's great to see the sunshine.

It's also the beginning of Lent. I like this day because it seems to always come at a time when I am needing a refresher. A reminder of what Jesus did and the grace I am given because of it. Please don't think I am saying that Ash Wednesday falls every year according to my emotional calendar, I realize it doesn't, but it's great that it works out that way for me. My desire for a closer, more daily relationship with Him has made this year different somehow. I feel a definite pull to spend time in prayer, not just my usual drive bys asking for patience and better time management. So this Lent season I plan on giving more of my time to Him. More clock time.

Good News- The sun is still shinning outside!! Oh Happy Day!!

Madness, I tell you, madness!!!

A weekend of travel and fun followed by a week of busyness and a few changes followed by a weekend of travel makes mommy a mess!!

 

A good bye poem

Janruary

Good bye

Good Ridance

I will mourn you none

You brought snow

10 inches in total

I would have liked none

You brought cloudy skies

Sun seen rarely

Good Ridance Janruary

Some food for thought....

This morning I watched a short segment featured on the Today show about Ted Haggard. He was the pastor of a very large church and president of National Association of Evangelicals, who admitted to homosexual relations and drug use about three years ago. 

I had not kept up with this story after it broke. But after being reminded of it this morning, I was bothered by what his wife was saying. She said "So I realized that Christians are just people. They aren't any better than anyone else." Wow. That statement says it all, doesn't it. Are we suppose to be better, do we have some kind of high speed, more reliable connection with God? I don't fee like He is doing me any favors because I am a Christian. I feel safe, I know (from expereince) that following His advice is always better than the alternative. Do I still have pain and fear and worry? Yes. Those things don't disapear because of my Religous stance, it's an intimate relationship that is so hard to describe with words.

My other worry about this particular situation is the reaction of their church. They were kicked out. Really??? That is the best way to love as Christ loved? I agree that maybe he needed to removed from a postion of authority, but to kick them out! I don't think that is what we are called to do. They were saying "if you mess up and actually sin or have a real issue you need your church family to support you during, we will kick you out if we feel it is too dirty to help with".

I am reminded of DC Talk. The song "What if I Stumble" opens with these words:

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

While I realize that not all Christians behave that way, and I am not free from mistakes, it is so heartbreaking to hear of cases like this that catch big media attention and shed such negative light in our direction.  So how can I overcome this hurdle in my own life? Well, I think by just focusing on God, knowing that I will fail, and trying the very best that I can to see others the way he sees them. It's hard. Some of those people have hurt me, judged me, treated me as if I am nonexistent, or said things about my children that were unkind. I am human with human feelings, the only difference is I have a relationship that some people don't. And that relationship is what changed me.

Word of the Year

I have been reading lately how many bloggers are (or have already) picking a word for the year and meditating on it daily. It got me thinking, if I were to choose one word what would it be? Instantly I worried. What if circumstances change and that word no longer fits come June or July? Am I stuck with that word for the next 11 months? I realize not everyone takes such care in choosing one word or that worry is even necessary. I admit, I thought this was not for me. But then I began to think. What if I posted that one word around the house. I would then see this word ALL THE TIME, because I am here ALL THE TIME. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea. It would give me a good starting point for a study. So I gave it a go, I began thinking of words and looking them up. I wanted to know their meaning, origin, and how they were used in sentences. Ok, most of the words I came up with needed other words to make clear the meaning I wanted.To find one word, this would be a daunting task. I thought and thought. and thought.....and thought.

I came up with stewardship. "a person who manages another's property". I want my life to be full and joy filled. And I often forget that it's not mine. That I was given it, a gift that I am to be grateful for, and use wisely. I find myself wishing I were a better steward of my time and money. So I am going to post this word around my house and in my mind. Maybe it will rub off on the other members of my house too!!!

Thank you to Irenic Thoughts for this cartoon!

All you need is...sun??

Yesterday morning I awoke to hazy skies, well I guess they were hazy, you couldn't actually see through all the fog. I immediantly reminded myself that fog goes away after just a an hour or so and then I would see the sun. I got on my shoes and hit the treadmill. The Today show was blasting away the latest on Haiti and the boys were running back and forth between me and the cartoon on in the other room. I finnished my morning routine and found myself staring out the window willing the fog to go away. It hadn't even lifted the tinyest bit. By 10:30 the fog was still there and my mood was hanging just as low as the clouds. I had no motivation to do anything. I moped through lunch, made Isaac take a nap (that went over like a lead balloon), and sat with a good book for all of ten minutes. Then Nick was awake. He didn't want to play quietly in his room, he wanted to storrm the house looking for who knows what. Of course, the racket woke up Isaac (who is like a bear being abruptly awaken from hibernation) and the moping continues. I laid on the couch and watched movies with them and looked at books with them, but nothing helped. The fog had lifted (of course it's now three o'clock in the afternoon and my mood is set in stone), but the sun was nowhere in sight.

FINALLY, the sun came out. It was after four o'clock, the sun sets at 5pm here. Yeah, I know. What's the point. My mood continued to sour my entire evening. I went to bed hoping for a better day.

This morning I woke up to the sun rising. I could see it rising, pink and happy. Ahhh, a good day is ahead. The sun has been shining in all our windows saying "Hello" and "I love you, Emily". I have been an active participant in life today. It's been so nice. So now all I have to do is figure out how to make the sun shine every day . Maybe a move to Alaska is in order, wait, only for the sunny season, we would have to move back as soon as those no sun days started!

Morning Thoughts

This morning I watched a video posted on CNN that was prefaced with a viewer discretion. I was confident I could handle the scene that was about to unfold before my eyes. But I was so very wrong. The "white noise" of people yelling, children crying, and the simple fear those voices conveyed was enough to give me nightmares, let alone what my sense of sight was taking in. There were arms and legs just dangling, hoping someone would see them and rescue them, people trying desperately to escape the cement sandwich they were trapped in, and loved ones picking up those they loved the most.

While I sat and watch this horror, from the comfort of my warm and furnished home, my two little ones are watching cartoon and eating apples, they are dressed in warm and clean clothes. They have never had to experience a true tragedy.

I am left feeling guilt, for I do not deserve to have all my good any more than the people of Haiti deserve this unexpected tragedy. And then I feel grateful. And finally, a feeling of urgency to help washes over me.


I did not link the video here, if you would like to watch it, it's at cnn.com. First video on the site.

I was blind, but now I see

I doled out some advice the other day regarding kids and bullying. I said, be consistent, keep teaching them to be kind and it will all work out. I would like to apologize to that person for my ill fated advice. It turns out things may not be ok, that your child may end up being the bully. Perhaps to their own sibling. We have witnessed in the past few months an increase in physical behavior from Tyler to Isaac. We often heard Isaac screaming to Tyler to stop, Tyler starting things and egging Isaac on, and even hitting or really hurting him and then asking "What, I thought we were playing?" or telling us he was aiming for a more acceptable body part. There were times we rationed that Isaac was just as much to blame, after all he is a live wire and you never know what he will do next. We tried all the things we could think of, never admitting outside our home what was going on, ashamed, I suppose, of the truth. We finally gave it a name. Bullying. It had all the classic signs, everything we had ever known or read about bullying we were seeing in Tyler.

Oh! How could we miss it?? How could we not see what was happening? Our hearts were broken. It came to head one afternoon and we just had to make it stop. We took away everything we could think of, sent him to bed early, and had a very long talk about bullying and what it was and meant. He cried, I cried. We tried so hard to give him every illustration we could on the subject. But now what? I feel cold in my bones and aches in my heart. I feel guilt for not being perceptive enough to see what was going on. I questioned every decision I have made regarding his behavior lately, would I have done anything different if I had this knowledge weeks ago?? Will he learn to get past the little annoyances he holds as ammunition? Will he ever let go of his negative fun and pick up a positive one?

I know that we are not perfect parents, we make the best choices we can and put on our confident faces, especially around those we feel judge us or doubt us. Just like every other parent. We pray each day for our kids and want them to be strong, kind, and wise men when they grow up.

And what about my Tyler? My heart is so heavy and worried, if this to will pass, and will he be secure about himself?

Momma Knows Best

All of us mommas claim this simple sentence as truth when it comes to our own kids. Momma knows best. We us it when talking to our friends about our kids, exuding pure confidence of our knowledge of our offspring.  We use it when talking with our pediatrician. And a good pediatrician will listen closely to us and be able to decipher the actual issue from our mommy mumblings. We have been fortunate enough to have had two of those pediatricians in the our lives. Or, I am just overbearing enough that the doctor doesn't see the point in talking me down. Let's just go with the first thought.

We recently came across one of those momma knows best scenarios with our youngest son, Nick.When he was an infant, he was so quiet. Always smiling and happy, never dis content with anything. As he got older that contented temper stayed with him. Nothing ever really seemed to bother him, not enough anyway to verbalize it. That is the problem. He just isn't verbalizing. I first noticed this to be a concern at about 10months when he should have been a bubbling, babbling, baby. But still, he was so quiet. I asked our pediatritian on our one year visit. He wasn't too concerned. He has two older brothers that talk for him, two aware parents that understand his non verbal cues, doc said.

Fast forward a few months to our new home, visiting our new pediatrician (my husband refuses to allow me to drive the 3 hours it would take to see our former dr.- let the record reflect I gave it serious thought) who is very kind and seems very knowldgeable. I asked him the same question. "Dr. (name ommitted), I am a little concerned over his language skills (big words used in hopes he will think I am a knowledgeable parent and not a crazy worry momma). He doesn't seem to have some of the sounds I think he should by now. We are not hearing very many words." Again, Dr says, he has two older siblings that have very good language skills and life is busy. Don't worry. If you don't see the progress you want in the next couple of months call me.

Fast forward again,  a couple of months. We go back. Talk again. This time we go a little deeper into devolopmental milestones. Nick is on target or ahead in every other aspect of his devolopment. Remarks of, he is very intelligent, he is very active, he is not behind at all were coming out of the dr's mouth. Tell me again what you are hearing. We go over it again. And again. Detail after detail. My voice shaking the entire time, searching my own vocabulary for the right words to give a better idea of what we see and hear. Finally after what seemed like hours of nervous discussion with quick often glances at my husband for reassurance, we (all three adults in the room) agree to see a speech therapist and have a hearing test done.

Soon after our appointment we had our appointment with a speech therapist. All my fears of poor Nick being scared of the therapist or the therapist thinking we were crazy for taking our 20 month old for speech therapy sat at the back of my throat. After all he is still so little. The speech therapist was so kind. He got down on the floor with Nick and let him wander the entire room. He talked with us (and Nick) and asked us the same questions we had answered at all our other meetings with doctors. The therapist did more devolopemental checklists, assuring us that they were not all inclusive and he only had a short time to see the actions and responses he was looking for. After quite a while ( I lost all track of time, engulfed in the knowledge of the therapist and watching my baby interact with him, oh and filling out the paper work-I loathe paperwork) he finnished his assesment and said the same thing that our other two doctors said. I was just about to scream and beg for someone to give me some useful information when he begin to talk about a "diagonsis" he thought might just be accurate. A diagonsis I thought. I felt a little twinge in my stomach. Oh my. Now what. He explained that it was most likely very minor. He encouraged us to discuss it and do our own research, also, he asked us to think about weekly sessions with him to try some different ideas. He was postitive and helpful.


I couldn't help but leave feeling a little deflated. I was really hoping we would go in there and be told that Nick was simply stubborn and we were just so adept to his non verbal cues he had no reason to speak. I had convinced myself that was the reason. Momma knew best, and that's what Momma knew. When the possibility of another viable reason came up, I was shocked. I began to question myself. Were we to busy trying to juggle our upside down life and our two older boys at those perfect learning times that we missed them? Are we not trying hard enough? Am I being lazy in my parenting and not giving him a reason to verbalize? All these questions are fluttering in my head like butterflies in my stomach. I could hardly concentrate on anything, just those questions and the answers that hadn't been found. So Momma did know best. I knew something was just not right and we were able to get some early intervention. We were also able to get good intervention and doctors in our new town. There a positives inside this worry. Now, we just need to make a decision.

Monday, on a Tuesday

I have the grumpies today. The yucky, closed mouth, eyes glaring, grumpies. Everything I touch seems to turn to stone. Not gold, that would be helpful. My mind is so full of ..of...of..I don't know. But whatever it is, is making me grumpy. Yuck. I hate the grumpies.

A letter to 2010

Dear 2010,

I would like to first welcome you as I am happy to see 2009 go. It was a trying year for our family, with all the changes, expected and unexpected, that it brought us. But you, 2010, have such potential to be grand! You will  bring me a personal change , a change I have been secretly wishing and waiting for.  And you will bestow on me a momentous birthday that I sheepishly admit I fear. You will bring joyous moments, such as our tenth wedding anniversary. One we are excited silly over!

You will take our babies one year further away from actually being babies and take them one year closer to becoming men. You will take away my second son and send him off to school like the big boy I am not ready for him to be. You see, 2010, it was much easier to send the first one. We waited a year, being a summer birthday and wanting his maturity to ripen a bit, and we were all ready for him to go when it came time. But this one, this one has a different set of charms and I am just not ready yet. My days will be so boring without his world to travel to, and what if his Kindergarten teacher does not want to go to his world with him, will he be ok with that??  You will also move my oldest into 2nd grade. The jump from first to second seems so large, those 2nd graders sure seem big and knowledgeable. And lastly, you will thrust my baby from babydom and make him a full fledged toddler. Those terrible twos will be upon before we know it, banging at our door, begging for him to join. I will do my best to keep him sweet and baby like for as long as I can, but know he has a lot of sibling pressure weighing on him. He already desires to be one of them. Big, smart, with words and questions that stump my brain every day.

You will bring another round of holidays, filled with traditions from the past and excitement over new ones. We hope you will bring us stability, we're not moving this year nor are we looking for new jobs or churches this year. I am terribly excited over this one! I hope you bring us new ideas for family fun and patience. Be kind 2010. Don't change things around here to much, but let us grow where we need to grow and stay where we need to stay.

Sincerely,
Momma

A Big Thankyou!

A Giant Hug and Kiss to the man pictured above for helping (this time we really did do it together!!) redesign my blog!! I love it!!

Everything I need to know I learned in 2009

Ok, so not completely true, but I did gain some serious skills in 2009. Here is a quick (and I do mean quick, I only have 7!) recap...

1. I learned that if you force my boys to do arts and crafts with you they will inevitably draw somebody dying or a super battle that ends the world.

2. I now have the skill of pre cooking and freezing. Not that I didn't poses this skill before, I have now used it!

3. I learned that living with your mother in law while you look for a house has its advantages. (I cook, she cleaned- I got the better end of that deal!!)

4. I have the skill of dying correctly. I know how to slow motion fall and stick my tongue out while saying "nnnnnnooooooooo". (thanks to my boys for imparting this wisdom on me!)

5. I now know that I can wash dishes, clothes, two boys in a tub, AND fix my hair at the same time. (that is some serious multi tasking skills)

6. I can live without eating out for more than two weeks (this has been a great asset to my health!)

7. I learned how to down size into a bigger house.

8. I learned to blog!!

9. I learned some times moving away from your comfort zone can be scary, exciting, nerve wreaking, and helpful all at the same time.

10. The very most important thing I learned this year is this:

I am a mommy of all boys. Therefore my life does and always will consist of wrestling, guns, people dying, shouting, balls of all shapes and sizes flying through the air, stories of monsters and aliens, and lots of love.  And I love it. And I accept the challenge of another exciting and change full year.

Have a Happy New Year!!

I'm letting the cat out of the bag

I will admit my mistakes only briefly and then we shall move on. I never completed college. Yes, I have kept that secret very well and had intended to keep doing so, except I have always wanted to finish. The problem is this: I have never been able to decide on a degree to pursue. I know, most people do not have this problem. They decide right away what they want to do and go for it. It doesn't seem to be in their vision that someday they may change their mind and want to do something else, therefore having wasted thousands of dollars on something no longer needed. My prudent mind simply could not handle that, I don't like to waste anything. Or, my other looming fear, is that I will end up in a field I did not enjoy or perhaps have very little career choices. I simply would detest being stuck in a career I did not enjoy. So..... that all being said, I have thought long and hard over what degree I would pursue. I have decided on (drum roll please..) Writing. Yep. Big surprise. If you know me from long ago in my childhood you already know this is such a passion of mine. I have kept journals for years and written stories on my own forever. I have never attempted any publishing for fear of rejection. In my older years, I abandoned my writing to pursue more sensible careers. I worked in banking, climbing my way up the corporate ladder only to jump off the top rung when I had my first child. I then took up teaching pre-school. I took many classes and submerged myself into the culture of early childhood learning. I loved it. It was both fulfilling and fun. Since our recent move and the slow down of our lives I have had time to return to my writing. I have also decided that there is ways I can earn a living with a writing degree. It's what I love to do. And finally, the reason I wrote all of this explanation out is to say that I applied at two separate universities. For one, I was required to write an essay. I did not choose that university so I am going to post my essay here. I had to answer the question, "Describe one incident that made you who you are today". So without further ado..(and if you made it this far into my post-you deserve a prize!) here is my essay.....

A needle in a haystack, picking someone out of a lineup you have never seen before, or finding the exact location of Santa’s Workshop in the North Pole. These are all things I could do much easier than what I have been asked. Describe one incident that shaped who I am today. I believe that God used a series of events divinely placed together to shape who I am today. He constructed me, knowing what I would need and when I would need it. But if I must choose, and I must, I will attempt to go as far back as I can, to what I believe first began my transition to who I am today. Admittedly, this is the hardest story to tell.

I take you to a time in my life that was not a happy one. I think, if asked, most people would start transitions here, at moments of sadness. My father in law had just passed away the day before. My husband and I were newlyweds; we had been married for just over two years. Our one month old baby was on his way back to our home with a very caring cousin who saw an opportunity to love. I was a new mom, a new wife, and a newly distraught woman who was unsure how to keep it together for her grieving husband. I had never lost a parent. But here I am, completely unsure of what words to say or motions to make. His life had just been ripped in half. His father, whom he was very close to, had just left us so quickly, in such an unimaginable way. No one knew what to say or do.

When I got the call that he had been taken to the hospital, I was already packing to go see them. Our new baby boy was scheduled to be dedicated that Sunday by him at their church. When my mother in law called, she sounded frantic, unusual. It’s true; you can always tell something is deeply wrong by the person’s voice. I knew instantly that this was not a normal visit. My father in law never went to the hospital. I quickly stuffed the rest of the things I could think of into overnight bags, while getting a hold of my husband at work. I remember thinking I needed to bring church clothes because of the impending dedication. I never once imagined those same clothes would be worn for much different reasons that very same weekend.

The three hour drive took us two hours.

I had never been with someone when they passed. I had seen it on TV, the beeping of the machine becomes a constant, the actors look so sad, their expressions begin to change. Some cry, some cry out, some don’t cry at all. But in real life, it’s not that way. Similar, but not the same. The machine’s beeping goes to a dull noise, the air tightens around your throat, your brain suddenly stops what its doing and waits. It waits to hear the person in front of you gasp for air, for his eyes to open, for his smile and kind voice to fill the room. None of that happens though, and you realize this is not a nightmare, this is really happening.

I am put in charge of calling everyone in my mother in law’s address book. To give this bad news over and over again to people I barely knew or had never met at all. I am strong, courageous, and there solely as help. But inside, this moment has been felt by my heart and my soul. This event that I would normally only share with my husband as my rock and confidant, I cannot. I must be his rock, his confidant. I must provide for him, the exact things I needed at that very same moment. This is definitely where who I am today began to take shape.

The days that followed were the hardest and most awkward days I had ever experienced. My hormones were already out of control due to the fact that I had just had a baby barely a month ago. They were even more so with the situation at hand. I was confused, sad, and scared. I needed to be helpful, making dinner plates, cleaning, hugging, smiling, praying, answering the phone; the list goes on and on. I was also needed as a peacemaker. As with any death in any family, stakes were high, and everyone wanted something. My poor mother in law sat for days, like a statue, moving when someone moved her, hugging when someone embraced her, sleeping when someone told her to, and crying. I think she cried for days without stopping. Even in her sleep, I can imagine her crying. Her brain seemed to have stayed with her heart in that hospital room.

Most importantly, I was to be my husband’s rock. His shoulder to cry on, his sounding board when creating nice things to say to people who had stopped by, and his bouncer when people got to close or mistakenly said the wrong thing. It was my turn to carry him. To pick him up in my arms and hold him as he cried. The pain I could see in his eyes was almost too difficult to look at. I had no idea what to do. How could I be someone’s rock when I had built my house on sand? How could my arms hold him when my muscles were so weak?

There were two funerals. One with his current church, which he pastored and one, at home, where he would be laid to rest. Each service filled with people he had loved and served, just like Jesus. Each person that passed us, true sorrow was in their eyes. I remember thinking, how in the world did he find time to touch all these people in a deep enough way that their sorrow was so visible to me? He did, though.

Those two July weeks, began to shape me in a way I never would have allowed if I had not experienced his passing. I don’t believe he was taken just to make me a person of true faith, but I believe it shows how God can connect Heaven and Earth. It was his time to go. But on Earth, we felt sorrow, pain, and confusion. God, in only a way that God can, made good come from what we considered a tragedy. It took many years to come to this conclusion and many more to speak it. It is so hard for us to admit God is right when it comes to accepting the things we do not want to accept. In our souls, in our hearts, He molds us by each circumstance. I am thankful he did. I have a strong marriage, and a stronger faith.

As I said before, it took a series of events to create the “strong and courageous” me. This was, however, the beginning.